Food Orgy....

Okay so today's post is going to be a bit of a rant. I dont want to be the food police here but....

I go to all the trouble of cooking healthily, weighing out all the food into maximum serving sizes for me and husband...we eat- and then when he's finished with his meal he goes into the kitchen to put his plate away and grabs either two slices of bread and cheese for a nice Cheese sammich, or he grabs three slices of bread for a bread sammich. Or he grabs two individual bags of crisps an hour after supper is over....Or an entire bag of non-individual sized  crisps.

Why do I go to all that trouble if he is just going to add 600-800 calories MORE to the meal I just carefully measured out? 

It's frustrating for me, and I see him eating the nice tasty things I'm trying to avoid and it just makes me crave them.And I am the first one to admit I just have absolutely no self control when it comes to tasty foods. Especially carbs.

And then I get craving food watching him eat the Naughtys and I think to myself, oh, a little bit wont do that much damage...and so I get a little bit and then somehow I end up 800 calories over my daily limit- After being so careful the rest of the day.

It's driving me insane. But why should what he decides to do affect me and my journey. Because I love him and I want him to live a long time. I dont want to live past another loved ones life- especially my mate who I love more than my own life. I'm trying, but the little sneaks here and there add up too.

I need to put on blinders to what is going on around me....but for me- it's like a sex addict being put in the middle of a 12 day Orgy and expecting not to succumb to temptation.... The sight of it- the smells- the sounds.... It's torture.
Food torture.

Just saying......

Moving Right Along......

Okay, so it's been a while. 

I'm still working towards my weight loss goals.

I had a long few months of problems....Knee injuries,  a tumble down stairs,  stomach issues and a constant headache for months.  I've had tests and more tests and more tests and hopefully most of the issues have been settled in one way or another.

So all thru this I've still been eating thoughtfully....not totally healthfully, mind you, but mindful of how often I have treaty type things and how often I eat healthy food. Trying mostly to follow the 80/20 Plan.  It's kept me maintaining my weight, mostly, but not so much helping me along my journey to weight LOSS.

Hubby and I have been on holiday for the past 8 days and have two more days off too, so I've been able to both get back in the swing of cooking and eating healthily and at the same time having a treat now and again....and when we come off holiday Tuesday morning it will be back to a stricter regime.

I've been doing my workouts in front of the TV while hubby does his recording and live-streams for his YouTube and Twitch channels, and today- when I reached the 44 second mark on my plank....one second off from my goal..... My elbows just wouldn't let me go any further. I realized then I needed a bit more softness to go any further in my workouts....some of which require elbow and knee work and on a hardwood floor that just won't be happening.
So I went online, did some research and asked hubby to order me a 15mm thickness yoga mat on his Amazon Prime account so I can have it tomorrow. No fuss, no muss.

I'm also going to be eating salads from our local  cafe near work....One, I get a workout ie walk albeit a short one- and two I'll be eating healthily and not be tempted by all the yummy things at the supermarket... ie the Krispy Kreme display box at the entrance AND exit of it. Damn them all.

Especially when this week they're coming out with a Nutella glazed one. Again....damn them.

Krispy Kremes are my absolute downfall. I can sit and eat a dozen....or two. That started when I was expecting my firstborn son. My ex would disappear all weekend and my neighbor would come over and keep me company while he was gone. First thing on Friday evenings we would get in her car and go to the donuts shop and buy a dozen plain glazed....a dozen blueberry filled, lemon filled and custard filled... and another dozen bear claws, cinnamon buns and Cinnamon twister sticks.

We'd get all the gubbins for burgers and hotdogs and we would swim in our pool and shoot pool and watch movies all weekend when it was rainy out.
She made the loveliest hot dogs too- okay, I'm stopping that.

Anyway, so yes- We're back on the wagon again and it wont be so long that I post here next time.

Transformations.....

Well, Hello everyone!!!

Last weekend I wrote a huge big post about what was about to happen this weekend and just as I was about to hit save and publish, my laptop crashed and I lost it all. I was NOT a happy camper to say the least- so I'm going to attempt to re-create it in a more condensed (maybe) version.

So for the past 7 months, when I hit my last weight loss goal, I've been working on THIS weekend.
I promised myself on the last weekend of January I was going to transform myself. I was going to get to my NEXT weight-loss goal (still 3.5 lbs away from that but the show must go on regardless- a promise is a promise, am I right???!!),  I was going to change my hairstyle, I was going to have a whole new wardrobe, and I was going to start wearing makeup again. I modeled a bit in my teens but when I got married and started having babies, the make-up was the first thing to go when time and money started getting tight. But no more. Daily from now on.

As I was saying....Over the past 7 months I've been buying a new article of clothing-(mostly tops because I can wear them with my basics of trousers and capri pants and skirts). I buy an average of one new piece every couple of weeks. I deserve it. I'm buying the things in the size I am now- but I have a sewing machine and I'm making sure it's clothing that I can easily alter to fit me as I continue to lose more weight.
For the past 10 years I've worn mostly black. I lost my daddy and just as I was coming out of mourning clothes for him a couple of years later, I lost my son, Clay. I was back in the mourning colors again and there I have been until just recently. My new clothes have a pop of color to them.... I'm still buying a few things in black-(Never goes out of style and looks so elegant)- and in black and white prints, but I have quite a bit of bright reds and blues now too. Tans and rusts are in there and I also bought one top that is a cream with pale blue and lavender floral print- sort of orchid or lily ish...... I also have a couple of pinks...- and I FINALLY- after months of searching- found a beautiful classic sleeveless chiffon cream pussycat bow blouse that I LOVE!!!!!
I also bought two new pairs of slacks for work and two blazers....one the classic length- and one a longer more "cover my derriere" completely length one that will be perfect for wearing with leggings and  such.
I have a Military brass button style dress that I will wear as a tunic top instead(it's too sort for a dress for my taste and style)...... and I have two classic LBDs., only one is a LBD with a white panel in the front.  Love them both!!! And for those special nights out on the town I have a Red BodyCon dress with red trim that is certainly SMOKING HOT.

But enough about the clothes.

I've decided to go into business of Cosmetics. I'm now a presenter for the Younique line of cosmetics. I went thru my makeup last weekend and got rid of the outdated stuff and went back to a couple of basics with my new presenters kit. The kit now holds samples of all the products- and this is what my personal make-up case looks like now..... it used to be two cases like this FULL....

Presenters Kit......

  If you are interested in learning more, send me a message and I'll get back with you.

Anyway, so usually I look like this......

That's me in the office.

 And yesterday I went to my salon looking like this......

Oh, the damage I did to my skin lying in the sun when I was a teen!!!! My neck and chest caught the worst of it...I fell asleep sunbathing one day while my parents were at my grandparents house for the day and when I woke up it was almost dark and I was burnt. And when I say burnt- I mean I had blisters...that bled. Sun Poisoning. I'm lucky I don't have scars from that lapse of good sense, but it's bad enough as it is and no amount of skin care or creams and lotions will help it now. Lesson Learned.
This is the hairstyle I was going for.....

 ...but after trimming off all the damaged hair, my fringe(bangs) wasn't nearly long enough- and actually were way too short for my liking as you will see, but it's okay- she cut it into the style I wanted anyway and after the perm wave softens a couple of weeks and  my hair grows out a couple of months it will be more like what I envisioned. and I quite liked the result anyway.....

Very Hollywood......

See? Bangs not nearly long enough for the proper quiff, but it will get there....

Now after a while the bangs really started bugging me- so I grabbed my Alice Band and pulled them back- smoothed a bit of the curl down, put on my full makeup- and this is the result!!!

I LOVE IT!

All I need now is a wiggle dress or two- but that will be my reward for my NEXT weight loss goal!!! And I'm thinking I'm getting a jump start on that too since I'm doing the Sugar-Free February Challenge...shortest month of the year, yes...but it's also Valentines Day AND my birthday month, too!!! So maybe instead of chocolates maybe I'll get flowers this year???????

So what do you think?  It's all smoke and mirrors anyway. I'm still me under all that change.

Welcome to 2016

Yikes..... Has it really been that long since I posted on here? Mid May-2015??????

Well, I may not have posted but I've been plugging away at it, anyway. Until Halloween, that is. Then it all seemed to go out the window. Bad weather hit- Halloween with all the goodies- I was a hot mess of eating rubbish. All the way thru December. Then, I weighed the day after Christmas- dreading to look at the numbers- and was seriously confused when I found out I had only gained a lb.

Yes- ONE SINGLE POUND.

That was a bit worrying considering the amount of sweets and carbs I had consumed over the past couple of months, but then I thought- Why look a gift horse in the mouth? Take it and RUN with it into the new year- and what's more- let's get a head start on those New Year Resolutions everyone is so gung-ho about making.
I've never been a big fan of making them- the best I can do and hope to keep is to say I will try to do better and be better than I was the previous year. And that's worked out so far for me.

I've went back to working with my FitBit and logging all my food and water and exercise and such. I still am in love with that device.
Well, anyway- to finish up the story- I weighed  yesterday morning- a week after my last weigh-in, and according to the scales- after taking care to log and be more aware of what I ate- I have lost 7.5 lbs.

I'll take it.

Test Results In- If I were a Horse, They'd Shoot Me.

Well, it's been a while since I posted, but there's been a perfectly good reason.

I've been a bit ill. I've been in the hospital and then in the doctors for lots and lots and LOTS of tests.

I went for the final results of all the tests last Monday- and this is what the outcome is.

I'm in post menopause. My blood pressure is sky high. I'm depressed. I'm exhausted.  I'm over weight. I'm slightly asthmatic. And I'm one point away from being a diabetic.

If I were a horse they would take me out back and shoot me.

What are we doing about it?

1) The doctor put me on an inhaler and is referring me to a sleep clinic for the asthma and sleep problems.

2)She also put me on HRT with my approval for the depression, and stress and which are both- along with the breathing problems caused in part by the menopause.

3) She's referred me to a Blood Pressure clinic where I have to go have my blood pressure checked on a regular basis.

4) She's strongly suggested going on a diet and exercise program and sticking to it until my excess weight is gone and my blood sugar numbers return to closer to normal. She said at one point away from the Diabetic Line I may as well act like I am already there- BUT I can make it better by following her recommendations.

Over the past week, I've started on the HRT tablets and am seeing a tiny bit of difference in my sleep and my mood swings. I was to the point I was crying all the time. I'm not even joking- I would be on top of the world one second and the next- anything made me cry- just burst into tears for no reason at all.....well, I obviously thought there was a reason, but it was anything from the advert on TV was sad, to Paul said I looked nice, to the Guinea pig must feel lonely, to it's started raining again. I even cried once because the toilet roll needed changing. I'm not joking an iota.

I have never been this moody and upset all the time in my life. With Two exceptions....the first few months after my daddy passed away- and the same with my son. When I think about them I still get terribly upset like that- but there's a difference between being upset over missing/losing your loved ones and being upset that badly over the toilet roll needing changing.
The doctor asked me why I hadn't asked about HRT sooner  as it could have alleviated a lot of these symptoms much sooner for me. (Apparently, I have been going thru pre/peri Menopause for about the past 8 or 9 years.)
 I explained that from the studies I had read on HRT women with a history of cancers in their family have a greater chance of getting it if they are on HRT. And they way my luck runs, I didn't think it was worth the risk with the history of cancers in my family.

Why am I open to the option now? Quite simply- Quality of Life.
I'm at my wits end being so emotional all the time. I'm faking being happy more than I spent  actually being happy.  And I've reached a point I'm thinking- I don't care anymore- I'd rather take the HRT with the small chance of getting cancer somewhere down the line in a few years and have these symptoms alleviated and be able to be happy again the rest of my life than to feel the kind of depression and misery I was feeling without it.

 I researched  diets and eating plans and came to the conclusion that the Clean Food  Eating Plan was best for my weight loss/ high blood pressure/ diabetes issues. I allow myself one small glass of diet soda and one small cup of coffee a day...(non dairy creamer only for the coffee). The rest of the time it's at LEAST 2 litres of water a day.

I have to choose my clean foods carefully because of the GI content- but I can have the high GI foods occasionally.

I can have treat meals where I have anything I like occasionally...but there is the key word- OCCASIONALLY.

I can also eat out- as I learned this weekend.
We went out to town and hubby asked where I wanted to eat lunch. I said SUBWAY since I knew I could get a Clean salad there. But when we arrived it was packed OUT. So across the road was The Chinese Buffet. I was skeptical(hahaha) of eating there as I was sure they wouldn't have more than a couple of foods there I could eat- even on their salad bar- but lo and behold I managed to have a LOVELY CLEAN lunch!!!
I had Tuna, Lettuce, olives, beetroot and boiled eggs.. It was lovely!!!   My usual fare there is  Chicken Nuggets, Salt n Pepper chips(my fav), onion rings and sweet n sour chicken ...maybe even some naan bread.

I've stopped eating anything sweet except fruit. No added sugar to anything. I have given up chocolate full stop- except for the VERY special occasion. The first three days, the withdrawal were absolute HELL. But the past two days hubby has turned to me and offered me a tiny little chocolate covered cookie and I had no desire for it. Not even tempted in the least.

And I've been walking....Up and down the stairs at work when the weather is bad, when it's nice I've walked to the doctors office for my blood pressure check and for my meds at the pharmacy next door to it (on my lunch hour) . Hubby and I had a nice long walk around town on Saturday too. Sunday I'm doing my exercise video or yoga.(Pretty much a day of rest but I'm still doing SOMETHING for exercise.)

Since Monday when I found out all the test results and starting on the Clean Food Eating plan, I've lost a grand total of....6 pounds.

I know that's mostly my body sloughing off the excess fluids, but it's headed in the right direction.

So now you know...The Rest Of The Story. (Trademark *Paul Harvey)

Transformation- Inspiration- Dedication- Realization.

I originally interviewed Sarah for my main blog- but I wanted to publish her story here as well. She is such an inspiration to us all.....Hers is a story or not only a weight transformation, but a life transformationin so many ways. 
Read her story and be inspired by her....
 
 Transformation- Inspiration- Dedication- Realization.

*Interview with Sarah Jordan*

In my journeys, I have met many interesting people from all walks of life.

This is an interview with one of those persons - one who not only dreamt a dream- but made if come TRUE with nothing short of dedication, bravery and determination.

This is Her Story……

 Hi Sarah. Can you tell us a bit about yourself in your own words?

Thank you so much for such a kind statement!

I’m Sarah and I’m a Transgender Woman in South Carolina! I have always felt my gender at birth doesn’t fit the gender I feel I am.

I was about four years old when I first introduced myself as Sarah! When I heard my name I felt strong, beautiful and alive! I knew that was my true name! That name fit me more than any other name I was called. Since then I’ve known I am different than others. I learned to hide how I felt and built a shell around me that I lived in until I was ready to come out!

I have been transitioning from male to female since 2009 and on hormone therapy since 2011. I first came out to a friend and co-worker whom I felt comfortable just being myself with. I confided in her a secret I had kept inside for my entire life and she was comforting, supportive and understanding. She was the only person at that time to ever know the real me! She encouraged me to open up more and peel away the layers of insecurity and fear built up over a lifetime of hiding, until I was finally true to who I am.

Accepting to live as the person I am and not the shell of a person I created has been extremely difficult. I face discrimination, prejudice and judgement every day! I have lost lifelong friends and even some family. I have also met some inspiring people whom have given me strength and hope. Life is hard and having people who love you can carry you through the worst of it. I am fortunate to have lots of love in my life from my parents, boyfriend and a new family of friends. 

  

How old were you when you decided to begin your transition? How old are you now? OOPs- sorry about that- you should NEVER ask a woman two things… her weight and her age- so you can ignore that last question if you like.

*I don’t mind revealing my age, lol. I was 32 when I came out and slowly began living as female full time. I went through the recommended and psychological therapy and lived for 2 years as my preferred gender before I began Hormone Replacement Therapy. I have been on HRT just a little over 4 years. My whole life I’ve struggled to be myself and after a long time I’ve finally accepted my true self.

I understand you work in a pretty much male dominated job. How has your transition affected your work-life?

* Working in Law Enforcement/Security is more challenging than I ever considered, working in such a male dominated field is the biggest mistake of my life.

This is the photo of the day when I came out to the HR department and all of my supervisors.

After explaining what I was going through, the response was cold and uncompassionate. I am forced to maintain a masculine personna at work, and have been deemed a trouble maker just because I’m not like them.

The battle with work forcing me to keep their image.

 Management all share the same attitude; I don’t belong and I’m not welcome! I'm slipping deeper and deeper into depression, because of the emotional pain I suffer through each night I work. Many days I’m left with suicidal thoughts from feeling trapped and forced to live as everything I worked so hard to let go. I have been unsuccessful in finding other employment being transgender and also because I haven’t changed my legal name. I fear that changing my name will result in termination! I pray every day that I can be free of the nightmare soon- but on my terms and without hurting myself further through unemployment.

What has been the most challenging aspect of your transition physically? And is your transition complete?

*The most challenging aspect of my physical transition has been weight loss/gain. When I finally accepted myself I felt so alive and capable of handling anything! I challenged myself to get from a size 22 to a size 4! I reached that goal after losing over 150lbs, then started HRT, came out to everyone I knew and began living as a female full time. In 2014 depression overcame me and I succumbed to old habits; re-gaining the weight I lost. I have many more challenges ahead in my transition most of which include legal, physical and surgical changes. I still have a lot to do!

And mentally what was the most challenging aspect?

*Mentally the most challenging aspect of transition has been the discrimination I deal with daily everywhere I go. It is so hard to keep my composure and not scream at people when they stare, snicker, point and laugh. I am living my life and I love myself. I have fought myself every day to accept that. It hurts so deeply when people are so thoughtless and cruel. I’m not a punch line or a perversion. It is extremely difficult to stand proud when faced with discrimination. It takes a tremendous effort to get up out of bed and face the day as the Woman I am! It takes more COURAGE than I have most days just to face the world without HIDING!

Who was it most difficult to tell when you had made your decision to come out? Were they supportive in your decision or was there discord?

*My family was the most difficult to come out to. My parents have always been supportive and very important in my life. Mother was the one that first recognized my need to come out. I was wearing my first pair of earrings, small cubic zirconia butterflies. She asked if I was “trying to change my gender”. I turned to her and looked her in the eyes and said “yes”! Daddy was a little more difficult. He wasn’t ready to accept me as Sarah. Daddy wanted to help me “overcome the illness taking over my mind” and to pray for it to leave me. Coming out to them really broke their hearts. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and we shared lots of tears and pain. We are much closer now and they accept me as I am and love me unconditionally, and have also accepted my boyfriend as part of the family. My three sisters, however, are not willing to accept me. It causes me to be excluded from family events. My sisters have asked me not to come around them or their children ever again because I am not welcome anymore. However, Mother and Daddy still make the extra effort to include me with separate days to celebrate together.

Have any of your family or friends had an about-face( in either direction) about your transition?

More than I can even count! I had friends who after friendships of decades turned their backs on me instantly. Family relationships are strained and a few dear true friends are still with me. I have been fortunate enough to make new understanding friends from co-workers and even neighbors!  

I’m going to get a bit more personal now. I know you are quite beautifully statuesque! I, personally, have referred to you as the Modern Day Julie Newmar.  Are you a very girly-girl and wear heels? Or do you prefer to wear flats? And why? What style era are you most identifying with? And being statuesque is it hard to find clothing that you like?

*Thank you for that comparison, Julie Newmar is beautiful, I wish...lol... I am not a really girly-girl. I am 6’5” and hate towering over everyone so I rarely wear heels; I stick to flats most of the time. My favourite pair of shoes is canvas sneakers, comfy and cute. I prefer to be comfortable when just at home or running errands. My favorite outfit is Jeans, Tank Top and Sneakers! Style Era’s I most relate to- well, I don’t have a particular Era I most relate to. I love Victorian style for the Corsets, 50’s inspired hoop flared skirts, I love the 60’s- but Jackie O. more than Marilyn- sleek and elegant. I wear what draws my eye and makes me feel attractive. My height really only effects my wardrobe when I find a cute skirt or dress. They are always too short! Shoes can be a challenge but I’m used to it, they always have been all my life. I have extra narrow feet and most medium widths fit fine, the length is tricky but I have a couple of go to stores that always have my size... they just don’t have much selection.

And what Brands of make-up do you prefer? How did you learn about applying makeup? (Something I still haven’t mastered quite as well as I would like.)

*Makeup: I’ve been through so many brands and styles, MAC and Bobbi Brown were staples early on though I prefer L’Oreal Lummi Foundation and Cover Girl pressed powder. Eyes: I like Wet n Wild eye shadows, L’Oreal liquid eyeliner and Cover Girl Lash Blast mascara, and I use mostly Cover Girl lipsticks. I love makeup; I expressed an interest early and in my youth and it caused many “talks” with Mom n Dad about it not being acceptable. When I invested in my own I would end up tossing it out most of the time after being “caught”. Lol… I have learned the most important step in any makeup routine is to care for your skin. I exfoliate, use cleansers and moisturize religiously!

I understand there was more to your transition than just the gender issue. You went thru quite a weight loss as well, correct? Was that the beginning of the gender transition- or was it the catalyst?

* In the very beginning, before coming out to anyone, I researched the steps and results of transition. I would dream an impossible dream that I could be the Woman I knew in my heart I was! It wasn’t real until I made a ridiculous goal: get to a size 4 and I will come out to the world, start hormones and live as Sarah the rest of my life! I made that goal to myself because it was impossible. I was a size 22 with lots of help from waist cinches, girdle’s and compression undergarments. It didn’t seem possible. Then, I began to walk the stairs at my work 3 floors. Every time I wanted to go upstairs I forced myself to take the stairs. Then, I changed my diet habits and started to think maybe I could lose a few pounds. I remember thinking one day when I was sick of the stairs and ready to give up, "My dreams will come true if I can get to the top of the stairs." I started running the stairs from that point on. I would run up and down 3 flights of stairs, 4 times in a row. Up, then down, made 1 repetition. I would run 4 reps as one set and 3-4 sets per night running as hard as I could! I started to take it serious and switched to a Paleo diet and started Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred workout DVD along with Pilates, Yoga and Ballet movements to add long muscle, cut fat and strengthen my core. A year(ish) later I had lost 150lbs! A friend and co-worker whom had been there for me from beginning was getting married and I was invited and when I went shopping for a dress to wear I was so proud when I tried on a size 4 and I fit!! I bought it, wore it and felt amazing! I had met my impossible goal! Unfortunately, I gained it back and now I have to start over again. 

The Beginning

The Pinnacle of My Success

I admit the first time I saw you after you had lost the weight I hadn’t seen you in several months and I KNEW I knew you but couldn’t figure out who you were at first. Even when I THOUGHT I knew- I still had to ask you. It was quite an amazing transformation in itself!! So please-tell us- how did you do it?

*Hard work, Self-Discipline and Drive. I used to get asked a lot when I would share my story- "What’s the secret?" There is no secret!! It’s the same thing we have heard all our lives: A Healthy Diet and Regular Exercise! The key is to never slow down and never let up; just keep pushing no matter how much you want to quit!

What is your relationship status? Is there a Special Someone in your life?

*I am in a relationship with a great guy! We met through a dating site and I really liked his profile answers. He seemed genuine and kind, and I was right. I love him so much! He has been my rock more times than I can remember. Every time I get down on myself he stops me, tells me I’m beautiful and strong and he loves me. I’m so lucky I have him. It isn’t a total fairy-tale love, his parents aren’t supportive and that causes a strain and we have to hide our relationship- which is why I have excluded his name. I’m fortunate my parents accept and love him as part of our family, and they go the extra mile to make us feel included. My man gets along with Daddy, they talk about sports- and Mother likes him, too. I’m so glad we make it work. My sweetheart drives 3 hours every weekend- each way- just to be with me. We share our passions and goals, support each other and love each other very much.

Now that you feel comfortable in your own skin, what are your hopes and dreams for the future? Career changes? Marriage? Children?

*I desperately am seeking a career change- First and Foremost! I really want to get married and have children. I think about it almost every minute of every day. I love my Boyfriend and I would love nothing more than to be his wife and Mother of his Children. I know I can’t give him children and we aren’t in a place to adopt. We’ve talked about a small intimate ceremony with a couple of close dear friends and no more. We both agree that’s the wedding we want, but before we can reach that goal, mountains have to be moved! I encouraged him a couple of year ago to come out to a friend he could trust. He did and that friend created a stir with my man’s parents, they tried to keep us apart and we now have to keep our relationship hidden from them. Marriage isn’t something I can see for us right now, but I hope with all my heart I’m wrong!

Is there any advice you would give to anyone who might be thinking about coming out to their family and friends about any sort of transitions in their lives?

* I got some very sound advice from a dear friend and her wife before coming out just let people know you love them. I started off with "I love you and I want you to know me for who I truly am." almost every time I came out to family and close friends. Transgender is a very hard path to follow. You have to fight every day to be yourself! Gender isn’t as simple as Pink or Blue for us. Just be respectful and listen, try to understand how hard it is to be different.

What is the one question I didn’t ask that you thought I would? And what is the answer to it?

*I think you covered everything! Thank you, I really had to take time to dig deep and answer the best I could. I hope I represented Transgender Woman well. I have also a few videos up on YouTube they are pretty old now but for anyone thinking of transition they are a help to hear real issues. Easiest way to find them is search SarahMTF or Sarah Transgender

Sarah, I would like to thank you for this opportunity to interview you for my blog. Altho I’ve known you for ages- before and after the transition began- it’s hard for me to think of you or remember you in any way other than “My Girlfriend, Sarah”. I can easily talk to you about anything I would talk to any of my sisters about- and that is a true test of being a woman. I’ve had bad experiences with men- never felt very comfortable with them, in groups or on their own, unless they are my partner…you might have noticed I always stay near a door or window- some kind of escape route- just in case….but I’ve never felt that way around you. You have always been the woman you felt you were meant to be- and now truly are.

I wish you all the joy and happiness you deserve in your future!!!

Thank you Sunny -It was so fun

Love
Sarah

Two Weeks Later...Quantity vs. Quality...

So two weeks later and I'm still having pain in my chest, shoulders, arms and jaw.  I'm not stressing like I was. I'm taking breaks, I'm following my diet pretty well....I'm not smoking, Not drinking.

And I've gained to a personal high weight. 250.4 lbs. I couldn't even get my extra wide calf boots to zip up this morning.
Tomorrow morning I'm starting the 21 Day No Junk Food Challenge. I was going to start it on April 1st, but in light of my weight gain when I stepped on the scale this morning, I've decided to step it up to tomorrow morning.

I'm thinking that since I'm doing pretty much everything I can to lose weight and get healthy again, It has GOT to be weight gain due to menopause. Last year the doctor said I was in early stage......since then I haven't had a single flow in over 8 months. So as far as I can see, I'm in full Menopause Mode.

I'm miserable. I still have the symptoms of Aunt Flo's visit- but no actual bleeding. I hurt. OMG my joints hurt so badly I cry sometimes. I cant walk- my back spasms so badly I literally cant walk...and can barely stand. I'm tired all the time. Just walking down a flight of stairs and back up at work has me huffing and puffing so badly I cant hardly breathe. I have hot flushes- so bad I have a fan on my desk at work and have it blowing on me constantly all day long.  My entire body feels like it's made of lead. I'm miserable. absolutely miserable. I wake up 10 times a night and suffer from horrible nightmares when I do finally manage to get to sleep. I snore- so loudly my husband or I have taken to sleeping in separate bedrooms when we just cant deal with it anymore...so loudly I wake myself up and when I do in that split second I hear just how LOUDLY I do sound. I'm quite honestly surprised the neighbors haven't complained.

I try to stay positive...I smile and try as best I can to act like everything is fine and I'm doing well and even if they aren't - the will get better, surely. But it's getting more and more difficult to hide the pain. From my hubby, from my bezzie, (who is an inspiration in determination and perseverance)....from my family, from even my office mates and my boss. I think they see the deterioration more than anyone else because I'm around them more than any of the others.

I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday to discuss these issues.  I'm going to ask about HRT. Up til now I have avoided HRT because there is a history of |Cancer in our family and there has been studies that suggest women who have a history of cancer in their family and taking HRT can increase the chances of getting it.
My thoughts have been to avoid taking it....however- at this point, my quality of life is on such a low level I'm willing to try it despite the consequences. My thoughts now are more I'd rather take the CHANE of developing cancer in the future if I can improve my quality of life until that point- because to be perfectly honest- if I'm going to be in this much pain for the rest of my life off the HRT- ......... well, let's just say it would make me very sad to live like this for the rest of my life.

So the question is- Quantity vs. Quality. How do you choose?